Once a Queen of Narnia
by Narumo
Summary: Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen of Narnia.


Author's Notes: A take of what happened with Susan after her siblings and parents' deaths.

* * *

Once a Queen of Narnia.

"_Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen."_

Susan Pensive stared at the mirror before her, sad redden eyes and limp dark hair surrounding a haggard sleepless face. It had been a week since the train wreck had taken the people she loves more in the world from her. Her parents, siblings, cousin, professor Kirke, even Jill Pole and aunt Polly were all dead and now, buried. Her dear sister ever smiling self was now laying on the cold hard ground inside a oak coffin, flowers covering her small grave and both bothers at either side of her on their own graves..

The girl continued to stare silently at the mirror, the room around her in disarray. Nail-polish bottles broken on the floor, a comb through the window. Shirts skirts and dress torn apart, nylon pantyhoses stretched beyond limit. Books, pictures, every thing was on the floor. Every thing was broken, as broken as their owner.

"...why?...oh God...why?...." Like a mantra, the teenager repeated the words again and again as she rocked and looked at her reflection. Mere days ago she would had been horrified by it but now she found that it matched her real self perfectly. A vain little girl who had lost everything she had pushed aside on the first place, everyone, only to not find them again when she wanted to. ".... oh god....why?...As-"

Susan bit her lip as a name she had not uttered in years almost breathed past her lips. She would not turn to Him now, not when she had convinced herself her siblings and her had invented him to comfort themselves during the parents' absence. She was to old, she was not a child.

"...Oh Christ, why?..." The girl continued to murmured. In the last days, she didn't know if she has lost any left over faith she had or found it again. She called, screamed and begged to God, to Jesus for explanations, for the ones she loved. She nearly convinced herself God didn't exist but found herself hollow, empty and alone with out Him, and when in the darkest hours at night she cried she could feel a warm, musky breeze, like a breath comforting her and the soft feel of fur on her cheek, only to open her eyes to find nothing.

As the girl sunk deeper and deeper into despair, she found her siblings memories become sharper, clearer and cutting deeper into her mind and heart. A young girl with golden hair running towards her, calling for her to follow, to chase into her joy.

"Susan, is snowing come see! Winter has come.!" Lucy dance on her white coat, a gift from their grandmother.

"Su! Is Christmas! I wonder if we will see Father Christmas again?" A simple dress and a cape covered her sister slim form as she raced around a large garden.

"Susan, Asl-"

"STOP IT!" She shouted in anguish, there is no lion! There is no Him to look for aid!

Time passed and a knock on the door indicated that it was time again for a meal. Alberta had come overt to look over her even when she was also mourning her own son but Susan had refused to come out her room, never mind eat, she had only exited the room for the funeral. So, like other times, the woman's words fell on deaf ears and she gave up after stating that she would leave her food on the kitchen's table like all others before.

"Oh Edmund, where are you now?" She wanted to hug the dark haired boy, the one who had resembled her the most on both temper and looks. It was after her who had looked after him on their youth, Peter, dear Peter running after Lucy.

"Where will we hide Su?" Dark eyes looked at her with curiosity as Peter counted loudly and they played hide-and-seek.

"Don't worry, I make sure Peter behaves." Her brother promised, as he put on his boots.

"I wouldn't be here if He hadn't..."

NO! There is no country for his brother to betray unknowingly, there is no table to be sacrifice on! The is no reason for her brother to feel guilty of! But finally, golden hair filled her vision again, a proud young man in child clothes, in formal clothes, in an armor with the emblem of a Rampant Lion...

"We will be back Susan."

"No, no you won't!" Susan gasped. Her brother will never be back, none of them will.

"Won't you come with us Susan? Narnia needs us... Eustace and Jill need us." She needed them! She need them with her!

Susan cursed herself, for if she had gone with them, even if she didn't believe, she would be with them, not all alone. She hugged herself and laid her head on her banister. The clock marked as time passed, and it started ringing as it stoke three in the morning. Somewhere, a cat began to meow, loud, louder, soon, to her ears it sounded more like a roar...

"Won't you come with us Su?" Oh Lucy.

"You have changed, Susan." Stated Eustace, looking at her sadly.

"You are hurting yourself Susan, you and us." Edmund was so grave, so grave, wise and foolish...

"We will be waiting for you Susan, if you change your mind." But she didn't Peter, she couldn't, because if she did, then it would all be her fault. Because if she believed then she could not longer evade the guilt, the responsibility. He would have every reason to punish her and she would not be able to place the blame on anyone but her own self.

"Aslan forgives our faults because He loves us. We can only try and deserve it." But she didn't, she didn't! She didn't deserve to be forgiven. She didn't deserve to have them by her side!

"We love you Susan." Her sister voice rung on her ears as the roar become even louder, the clock bell like a church's proclaiming holy words in mass.

"Aslan, oh Aslan, what can I do?" The words seemed to cut the voices, the roar to silence. The night air come still, like waiting for something not of this world, or rather what made this world to appear. And as she looked at the mirror, first a shadow, then an eye and finally a face stared back at her. Susan Pensive, Susan the Gentle, Queen of Narnia, cried as the face she had so long to forget and now so longed to find again gazed at her with sadness, with pity and love, love for her!

"My daughter." His voice, grief and joy mixed together in a perfect dance filled the room, filled her. "Have you found me again?"

"Oh Aslan, I'm so sorry I couldn't, I can't..." She stuttered, trying to understand her own self.

"Susan, will you walk with me again?" His grave voice, his golden eyes, everything forced her to answer, to simply come back.

"But how can I? I have not once but thrice failed you, you, Narnia and my siblings! I have failed you all!" The room seemed to shrink around her and the Lion to become larger.

"Only you can decide, Susan, only you can find me again in you heart."

"But how can you forgive me?!" Susan shouted, desperate.

"I love you, we love you. For that we can always forgive." Susan reeled back as her sister's words come back, through Aslan mouth, "It is you who was to accept you faults, forgive yourself and change into what you truly are. Once a Queen of Narnia, always a Queen of Narnia. "

"But how can I do it alone?" Susan whispered.

"I never give more than you can handle, you never take more than you can take." Aslan began to vanish as the clock began to ring again. "We are always with you, my daughter. We will be always waiting for you to join us when the time comes."

* * *

Susan Pensive lived a full life for over seventy-eight years, a loving friend, mother and wife. She cared for all around her and her gentle ways charmed all who meet her. She passed away silently on her sleep, surrounded by her loving family, her eldest son, John, holding her hand and her younger grand-children, the twin girls Mary and Joan on her arms. Her husband had gone before her and was already waiting for her on the other side.

* * *

Susan the Gentle opened her eyes to find her laying on the greenest softest grass she had even seen and feel, surrounded by her siblings, parents, professor Kirke and aunt Polly. Eustace and Jill, Caspian and Mr. Tummus, all the ones she had loved and had loved on her life, and cried in joy as she was embraced and embraced in turn. Even Alberta and Harold who had taken care of her after her parents deaths were there, smiling in their odd, progressive way.

And when Aslan approached her and embraced her smaller self, she cried harder and held on tighter.

She had returned, she was back where she belonged, the place she should have never had left. She had finally returned home.

* * *

Author's Notes: As many others, I have always felt that it is Susan's choice to re-open the door to Narnia and rejoin her loved ones. I don't think that C. S. Lewis meant for her to be for ever banned after all, Aslan forgives as long as the sinner repents. And I also think that the comments about her caring about her look, lipsticks and what not are not derogative in the way that she is feminine, but that she is shallow, instead of the beautiful, kind and wise queen she grew up as in Narnia.


End file.
